Broken.

Source

"The past two months have been good. Not just good for obvious reasons (having an amazing daughter) but good for all sorts of reasons. I feel contented and happy, I feel grateful and passionate."

Today, I lifted the screen of laptop to find a post draft that I had started three nights ago. I should be finishing that draft and posting it, smiling when I've finished and getting on with being incredibly happy. But life has other ideas, things don't go to plan. You can be on top of the world one minute only to come crashing down the next.

My problems are trivial in the perspective of our worldly problems. So trivial, yet still painful. I have a broken heart. My chest actually hurts, the lump in my throat wont go away. I can't sleep, wont eat and have cried enough tears to rival our recent winter rainfall.

Truth is, I am cynical about love. I struggle to believe in its capabilities and have become more and more cynical over the years. Add in the slightly large elephant in the room; I am a single mother. Love now, seems impossible.

I wrote about being a single parent and dating a month or so ago, shortly after this post I took the leap. I dated, I let down my guards, I trusted and...completely unexpected, I loved. The problem with loving is that the huge red aura swelling from your heart can often blind you from reality, it makes everything glow. It makes food taste better, music sound sweeter and the future seem...irrelevant. All that matters is the now, and the now is wonderful.

The now was wonderful. But the future is real. I have a daughter, I am older. I wanted a family, he wanted the Navy. No matter how huge the swell of your heart is, it can't erase reality.

I thought and thought about whether or not I should actually publish this post, "Is it too personal?" "Too trivial?", but decided upon the publish option. I am not going to grieve negatively, I'm not going to let this ol' heart break entirely. If they sound like affirmations, its because they are. I am telling myself as much as I am telling you. I will band aid it up, I will give it time, I will nurture it back to good health and keep on keeping on. I have the smiles from a toddler flowing in daily, I have the love from friends that is immeasurable, I have skittles and chocolate for when my appetite returns and sad romance flicks when the tears dry up. And one day, I will perhaps, maybe, possibly have love.

I am open to your stories, your experiences, your suggestions and your tips. Share share share! Also, take comfort in the fact that an amazing first birthday party will be happening this weekend and there will be happy posts in abundance coming this way, I promise.

Plenty of love...