Friday, March 2, 2012

Soul Searching

Not long ago I wrote a post on balance, and how I felt our family had settled into perfect balance. Well, how quickly things can change. I still feel as though our family has a good balance between work, play and life although I am struggling to say the same for myself. Do you ever have days/weeks/months when you feel as though you are being pulled in a million different directions and can't seem to create any kind of balance between them? Well, I have had one of those weeks. I feel as though my title as a Mother and a Fiance sometimes not only compete with each other, but also compete with the definition of me, who I am stripped back of the titles and job descriptions.

So earlier in the week I dedicated nap-time to do a little soul searching. I sat down with a cup of tea in hand and wrote and wrote and wrote until my heart was content. Its my coping mechanism; writing lists, feelings, pro's and cons. Without fail, putting things on paper always makes me feel better.

During my soul searching I outlined the areas of my life that need the most attention and the areas that are of most importance to me. I looked at what was being neglected and what I can alter in order to create some balance. An hour later, I had five pages of soul serachin' goodness that helped me make some sense of the lost feeling that had engulfed me. I have been referring to this little handwritten 'book' daily to remind me of what's important.

I confirmed to myself that I want to be a Mother who is there through everything, a mother who is physically involved in the day to day basics of raising her children. A mother who is singing the songs, colouring the pictures and playing the games. A mother who knows her children's needs and wants and spends everyday fulfilling their desires to imagine, dream and be loved. This led me to make a decision on my status as a 'part-time working mother', and I am now a full time stay-at-home mother instead. The months we spent juggling work hours with home life were wonderful, however now it is time for me to bring the focus back onto my children.

I also confirmed to myself that I want to be the kind of life partner and Fiance that has time for that someone special. Who can raise the children, run the household and yet at the end of the day can find that twenty minutes of time to just cuddle my loved one. I have set myself a goal to leave behind the to-do lists, the housework and the chores for one day a month, where both Nick and I can head out to dinner or have a romantic night adventuring outside the house, where we can forget the title of 'parents', even for just an hour and be love birds instead. 

The last topic I wrote about in my soul searching was about losing sight of me. I have written about loss of self in motherhood before, and every now and then this niggles at the surface slightly, as I am sure it does with many mothers. We parent, clean, organise, nurture and care for our children before we even consider running a brush through our own hair or reading a 'grown-ups' book. My goal is to spend the little 'me-time' I get as wisely as possible, to clean more efficiently and quickly so that my down-time is actually down-time. Any moment I get to myself I want to write, read, create and be inspired. Which means having a very quick working turn off switch when that rare time arises.

With all this change, of course comes an adjustment period. Learning to slow down again and to re-sculpt my time management ideals. But of course, that's nothing a few lists can't fix!

Do you ever have weeks of being unsettled and confused about where your priorities do and should lie? How have you made it through a 'rough patch'? I am looking forward to sharing some more of my soul searching conclusions with you in the weeks to come!

Plenty of love,

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