A trip away...

 To celebrate my heart being stolen, I ventured away for the weekend with its thief. I had the weekend off 'mama duties' as Stella was with her Dad, so what perfect opportunity to spark some romance without a sippy cup in my handbag!

We drove a short and sweet 2.5 hours, in which time I managed to inhale an entire packet of skittles and a kit-kat. Mini holidays must be accompanied by sweet and naughty treats right? It was late when we arrived at our destination, so we checked in, dropped our bags and headed out for pizza and pasta. Being the intense party animals and thrill seekers we are, we then bought two cheap bottles of wine and proceeded to watch bad TV, drink from the hotels finest plastic and talk until the early hours of Saturday morning from the comfort of a hotel bed.

Saturday started with a big breakfast. I had the most incredible smoothie my taste buds had ever experienced...Toasted muesli + banana + Yogurt. We then browsed the Salamanca Markets, If you are ever to visit Tasmania, or are lucky enough to be located on this humble yet beautiful island, the Salamanca Market is a must. I purchased something special for myself and something special for Stella, both of which I will share and review with you very soon!


Next came MONA. I am still unsure as to which the best way describe MONA is. I was planning on sharing some photos with you, but once there for ten minutes decided against it. MONA is the newest attraction to grace Tasmania and attract it certainly has. Showcasing ancient, modern and contemporary art, visit with an open mind and be prepared. And visit I would recommend.

Saturday night luck was with us. We had booked in for a night at the Henry Jones Art Hotel and were looking forward to a little luxury for our moneys worth. However, the Henry Jones had decided that we deserved more than a little luxury and upon check-in we were told of our upgrade! The Peacock Terrace. An overflowing spa, Tasmanias oldest spiral staircase, original artworks and views of Hobarts beautiful waterfront. It was luxury all right. How lucky we were!

We decided that instead of wasting time away from this amazing terrace that we had all to ourselves, we would settle in for the night. Again, in true class and style we got takeaway butter chicken and bottles of wine. We wined, lazily dined and reclined. All whilst in our Henry Jones bath robes. Thank you Henry Jones for an amazing night.

Sunday, was my favourite out of the whole trip. Stellas Dad bought her down to meet us as he was also having a trip away (small town), we exchanged the baby gear and said our hello/goodbyes and then spent the rest of the day as a threesome. Mama + baby + boyfriend. It was the most enjoyable day I have had in a long time. We visited the museum, shopped in the city and then spent late afternoon and night with my Dad and his fiancee. It was the first time since Stella had been born that I felt truly complete. The picture had been finished, the missing gaps filled in. It was perfect.

That, was a long-winded description of my weekend away. If there is one thing you do regardless of budget, regardless of lifestyle...let it be exploring your own home. Visit your own state as though you are a tourist, see the beauty and experience the attractions with fresh eyes. And do it preferably with a loved one. Or a loved two!

...Plenty of love...

At peace.

It has taken a lot of tears, a lot of screaming, a lot of sleepless nights and a lot of hate to get to the point we are at today. 'We' being Stella's Father and I. To be purely honest, it was a roller coaster of unknowns.

A breakup can be heartbreaking, but a breakup with the parent of your firstborn child (which creates an indescribable bond in itself) is heart-wrenchingly horrendous. The dynamics in the relationship change tremendously...There is wedge in the middle. A crying, breast-hogging, tiring but wonderful wedge. It is no longer just Mr and Ms, it's Mr, Ms and Junior. I felt like I was torn in all directions: trying to form a path between my baby and I, trying to maintain the path and its ever growing weeds between my partner and I, trying to encourage the formation of a path between my baby and her father and then trying to walk all these paths at once! (excuse the garden analogy)

People often comment on how 'well' I deal with shared care (Stella is with her Dad 3 nights a fortnight, which equates to 29% in the world of child support) and the breakup and moving on process. Truth is, the process of being at peace with separated parenting was quite a journey. I wasn't always calm and collected and it wasn't always smooth sailing. It took a lot of time, plenty of tears and hard work. Confrontations were nerve wracking and filled with arguments, disagreements and resentment.

I want to give a little insight as to how we have come to get to this stage of 'peace' and perhaps help those who may go through a similar situation. These are some things I would tell myself if I could go back...

Reaching out and using every resource available is very important. Surround yourself with family and friends, talk with everyone about everything and write everything down. It may sound silly, but writing down the dates of conversations, confrontations and a brief summary of what was said is really helpful to look back on when reflecting.

Time is such a valuable thing. Sometimes regardless of all the support and wisdom you may have, the healing and grieving process will only be resolved with time. Memories fade, forgiveness grows. The only thing I can say that may provide relief is that it does get better, you will stop hurting. You will move on. You haven't failed as a parent and you're baby wont be disadvantaged and happiness and development wont be compromised.

Having said that, Your baby WILL be disadvantaged and unsettled if you let the grieving process continue in an unhealthy manner. Sometimes we need to yell, sometimes we need to cry, sometimes we need to scream 'why?', sometimes we need to accuse, hate, feel guilt, feel regret, feel anger. In fact, anger is one of the healthiest parts of grieving in a relationship breakup. However, there comes a time when it is no longer a healthy way to react and deal. For both you and your baby. Talking with a professional if you are struggling to move on is not admitting defeat, it is not being weak. It's being a good parent by taking proactive steps to heal yourself and heal your family.

During breakups, whether it be when your children are very young or not so, it is easy to become so overwhelmed with your own emotions that you forget about the most important thing. At the end of the day, no matter how much you are hurting, nothing is more important than the happiness and well being of your child. For me, this was the shock awakening that I needed. I went to see a counsellor about my grieving and reluctance to let Stella go with her father, and one sentence she said really resonated. "It isn't about you, it isn't about your relationship, it's about Stella". It made me realise that I was getting so caught up in my own emotions and hurt that it was effecting our family negatively. Another thing I realised with an epiphany-like light bulb is that we will always be a family. A separated family, but a family none the less. There is no escaping that. When Stella is 8, when Stella is 18, when Stella is 28. We will always be tied. Why continue harbouring so much hatred and hurt when it is so time consuming and emotionally draining?

One thing I can't tell you, is how to forgive. I don't know how, or when or even if I have forgiven. But realise, that you must try.

This feeling, of peace, is wonderful. It is wonderful to be civil, to feel no more resentment, to be able to communicate properly. I cringe to admit it, but I love seeing Stella get so excited when her Dad comes to pick her up, I love seeing the way they interact and the smiles he gives her. No matter what happened between us, I know he loves his daughter. As do I. We are a family, a separated, yet well functioning family.

Separated families are no less peaceful, happy and well rounded than traditional families. Don't ever let guilt make you think otherwise. Use your situation to create positives. Family is family, Love and understanding is far more important than status. (Oh what a cliched post!)

I hope this gives a little insight into how my journey to being a happy, content single parent was shaped. I hope if you ever experience the same thing that perhaps something written here will give you relief or provide empathy. Thanks for reading!
...Plenty of love...

The Brave Coat

Lately, I have put on a coat; perhaps it could be known as a 'brave coat'. It's warm, it's protective, it's familiar, it's comforting. Instead of putting on my coat to lounge in, I've put it on and stepped out.

 I've never been overly shy or reserved, nor have I struggled to make friends. I come across quietly confident in person and sometimes overly confident in my Internet persona. What many people would probably be surprised to know is that I have always had social anxiety. I don't want to use the word 'struggled' with, because I don't see it as a struggle. It almost feels like a personality trait, and although somewhat distressing and frustrating...It has always been manageable and thankfully, not detrimental to my happiness. The best way to explain it, is using the word awkward. I always felt awkward in social situations. Awkward to the point of feeling a little breathless, hands feeling a little sweaty and heart beating a little faster.

Since having had Stella and becoming a Mother, things have changed drastically. I reached out to my close friends and to not so close acquaintances when I became a single mother. I needed to jump out of my shell and jump out fast in order to seek the support I needed. I think at times that this jump has forced me to be the 'social bunny' I am today and without the circumstances I was in, I wouldn't be wearing my brave coat.

These days, I surprise myself daily. I have friends whom I catch up with regularly that I wouldn't have met otherwise. I have introduced myself to complete strangers, struck up conversation about children, motherhood and single parenting. I have organised events; a birthday lunch, dinners, mothers groups, parties. This just astounds me. I don't know exactly when and where I acquired this coat, but damn I am grateful!

I still get nervous on a day to day basis, but on a different scale. I force myself to move past it, to be rational and the mother in me keeps me calm.


Everyday that I pop on this warm, secure coat I feel privileged and proud. Here's to hoping that it doesn't ever need to be dry-cleaned or gets lost.