A momentary lapse.

Some days I am up, some days I am down. Some weeks I fly at a hundred miles per hour, other weeks, well... I crawl. This is just how I am.

I have always had large bursts of motivation and inspiration...both creatively and just generally, when these bursts come they can last for a few days, a few weeks or even a few months. I am like a positive steam train, chugging along with my load in tow. No stopping, no hesitating... Just steaming along, quickly and productively. Then, My steam seems to fade and I start to slow. Sometimes for a few days, sometimes for a few weeks. I begin to crawl along dragging my load with resentment and struggle, until I find that steam again. This is just how I am.

Wouldn't it be lovely to always have balance within ourselves? To balance our energies and emotions so that no extreme ever took hold, and a happy medium of travelling was achieved. It would be lovely, but the reality is some of us rarely reach a happy medium and maintain it.

I've recently exerted all the positive energies I had waiting to be harnessed within. I spent weeks and weeks with to-do lists coming out of my ears. I was blogging daily, cleaning daily, baking daily and crafting daily. I was researching toddler development and adjusting our routines to best suit Stellas current learning patterns, I was creating new, fun and exciting activities for her and scheduling them in like clockwork. My manicure matched my pedicure and the bed was always crisply made. I was moving furniture, spring cleaning wardrobes, stocktaking paperwork and revamping finances. I was chugging along at the speed of light. Until... I just stopped. A week ago my train stopped.

I didn't want to get out of bed, I couldn't keep up with the washing or bother to cook a meal. I didn't want to face a lunchdate and grocery shopping seemed like a challenge. An unmade bed ruined my entire day and days and nights became one and the same. I slept in trackpants, that I wore the next day and my hair didn't get removed from its unwashed topknot for a week. I guess this kind of behaviour can be seen as socially unacceptable, as lazy and unmotivated, as strange and extreme. But, I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is just how I am. These momentary lapses, are just that... momentary. I burn and burn until I burn out, then... I flick my light again and climb back on that train.

I recognise when my lapses occur and whilst I let them take hold for perhaps a week or two, my conscientious nature soon tries to take back to control. I seek it from within, or externally. A few close friends said to me earlier this week... " You've just got to try and refresh your perspective of why you need and want to do things and see the results that will follow". "Sometimes it's a struggle, but you've just gotta do it." I looked for my push, and I got it. So, Here I go... jumping back on my train. This is just how I am.  

Sometimes we just need to accept the way we are. Let your energies and emotions take over... even if just for a little while. Don't question it, just let it. And then seek back the control to be the best you know you can be.

What about you? Do you maintain a happy medium? Or like me, are you very high when you are up and very low when you are down?
Plenty of love,

Soul Searching

Not long ago I wrote a post on balance, and how I felt our family had settled into perfect balance. Well, how quickly things can change. I still feel as though our family has a good balance between work, play and life although I am struggling to say the same for myself. Do you ever have days/weeks/months when you feel as though you are being pulled in a million different directions and can't seem to create any kind of balance between them? Well, I have had one of those weeks. I feel as though my title as a Mother and a Fiance sometimes not only compete with each other, but also compete with the definition of me, who I am stripped back of the titles and job descriptions.

So earlier in the week I dedicated nap-time to do a little soul searching. I sat down with a cup of tea in hand and wrote and wrote and wrote until my heart was content. Its my coping mechanism; writing lists, feelings, pro's and cons. Without fail, putting things on paper always makes me feel better.

During my soul searching I outlined the areas of my life that need the most attention and the areas that are of most importance to me. I looked at what was being neglected and what I can alter in order to create some balance. An hour later, I had five pages of soul serachin' goodness that helped me make some sense of the lost feeling that had engulfed me. I have been referring to this little handwritten 'book' daily to remind me of what's important.

I confirmed to myself that I want to be a Mother who is there through everything, a mother who is physically involved in the day to day basics of raising her children. A mother who is singing the songs, colouring the pictures and playing the games. A mother who knows her children's needs and wants and spends everyday fulfilling their desires to imagine, dream and be loved. This led me to make a decision on my status as a 'part-time working mother', and I am now a full time stay-at-home mother instead. The months we spent juggling work hours with home life were wonderful, however now it is time for me to bring the focus back onto my children.

I also confirmed to myself that I want to be the kind of life partner and Fiance that has time for that someone special. Who can raise the children, run the household and yet at the end of the day can find that twenty minutes of time to just cuddle my loved one. I have set myself a goal to leave behind the to-do lists, the housework and the chores for one day a month, where both Nick and I can head out to dinner or have a romantic night adventuring outside the house, where we can forget the title of 'parents', even for just an hour and be love birds instead. 

The last topic I wrote about in my soul searching was about losing sight of me. I have written about loss of self in motherhood before, and every now and then this niggles at the surface slightly, as I am sure it does with many mothers. We parent, clean, organise, nurture and care for our children before we even consider running a brush through our own hair or reading a 'grown-ups' book. My goal is to spend the little 'me-time' I get as wisely as possible, to clean more efficiently and quickly so that my down-time is actually down-time. Any moment I get to myself I want to write, read, create and be inspired. Which means having a very quick working turn off switch when that rare time arises.

With all this change, of course comes an adjustment period. Learning to slow down again and to re-sculpt my time management ideals. But of course, that's nothing a few lists can't fix!

Do you ever have weeks of being unsettled and confused about where your priorities do and should lie? How have you made it through a 'rough patch'? I am looking forward to sharing some more of my soul searching conclusions with you in the weeks to come!

Plenty of love,

Lost in the laundry.

Motherhood; warm hugs, quiet moments, storybook reading, peacefully sleeping babies. Picture a perfectly manicured woman, not a hair out of place. Her clothes are crisply ironed and her house sparkles as she gracefully feeds a well behaved, quiet baby. She is slim, healthy, organised, calm, relaxed, caring, patient, kind, a good friend, a good lover, the perfect mother.

The perfect text book mother.

I, however am not. I feel frumpy, my hair is frizzed, my skin needs help and my nails are chipped. There are apples stewing on the stove and peelings on the floor, there is cheese squished into the carpet and a baby screaming "more!". There are 5 loads of washing waiting to be done, my eyelids want to close. I walk past a mirror and wonder "Who is that?!" Who is this tired looking, frustrated feeling woman?

Don't get me wrong; I love motherhood. I love that I am privileged enough to be able to stay home and experience my daughters vital years of growth and development. I love caring for and nurturing her, I love joining her on play and exploration. I love being a mother. But sometimes I feel as though I am lost in all of this...lost under 5 loads of washing, lost under 5kgs of apples. I am just a machine.

One of my lovely Twitter friends suggested I read this book. I read the description and put it on my credit card straight away. Perhaps it will give me some insight and help me reflect. Maybe it will help me understand how to be more than 'just a mother', help me be more satisfied. Maybe it will do my washing?

Have you ever been through this brief restlessness that seems to plague most mothers at some time or another? How did you break through the pile of washing and begin to see some light? As always, please share! 
...Plenty of love...